Smorgasboard...

When I was about 16, we went on a youth trip. One of the girls saw a sign, and said, "What is a smo...smor...smorgaaasssboard?" Our youth director told her it was a diving board with food on it.

There is nothing more quintessentially southern than an all-you-can eat restaurant. It's not a reasonably price selection of various foods. It's an challenge to your manhood and waistline. It's not an all-you-want or all-you-need. It's ALL-YOU-CAN.

It's a triathlon of eating.

First event, the salad bar. Hey it's healthy.........Well, lettuce is healthy. Tomatoes are healthy. The rest I'm not so sure. Since when did pork rinds become a salad topping? The bar is twelve feet long. They had to fill it up with something.

Second event, the main meal. Think of your meals at home or any other normal restaurant. One meat, a selection of sides or vegetables. Now before you lies 12 different deep fried entrees. Potatoes three ways and to balance out, one vegetable, battered and deep fried corn on the cob. My platter (they don't use normal sized plates) is a mounted of unidentifiable deep fried objects and the all taste the same dipped in ranch dressing.

Just as in a normal triathlon, by the time you get to the third event your body is beat down, crying "No mas! No mas!" (my body cries out in Spanish, No more! No more!) But alas you are a long way from the finish and there is but one way to get there........the dessert bar. Cake, pie, cobbler, ice cream......why choose? You've already consumed 12,000 calories and enough fat to feed Yogi bear through winter. What's another 2-3000? You must push to the limit.......

And the finish!!!!!! If you properly complete the Triathlon de Gluttony, then you should be nauseous and unable to drive home without loosening your belt and unbuttoning your pants. If not, you were under trained and not properly prepared. Eat a sackful of Krystals and prepare yourself for next time young grasshopper.